ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize