i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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