what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
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Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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