I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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