OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
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Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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