happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
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On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
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Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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