You surviving the open bar?
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Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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