Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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