i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
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You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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