Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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