You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
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Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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