Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
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Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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