i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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