it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
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The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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