He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
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Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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