So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
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You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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