The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
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I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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