We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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