I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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