he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
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There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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