You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
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I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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