I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize