If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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