At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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