I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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