Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
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Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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