nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize