Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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