I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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