I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
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Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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