I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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