Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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