Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
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You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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