apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize