Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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