I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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