I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
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Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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