I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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