my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
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Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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