I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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