put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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