You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
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I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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