so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
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Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize