I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
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Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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