So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize