i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
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At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
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Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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