Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
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Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
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Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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