she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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