I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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