Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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